(*Warning Explicit Language*)
Last May, I quit my well-paying job, sold my house, and set out on a quest to find happiness again, in any way it showed itself to me. I wasn’t sure in what capacity it would come, but I knew that I needed to travel, see the world, step off of the corporate treadmill, and find something that I was passionate in.
Over the last few months, people have told me how inspired they are by what I did, but they would never be able to do something like that. They give me any number of excuses including:
Lack of Time
Yes, I realize that Fear is on there twice. I received that response twice as often as the others combined. I get it, trust me… That was my number one reason as well. I was trying to talk myself out of this grand adventure I was about to embark on.
So, I decided to take a page right out of my diary, and share it with you. Keep in mind that I don’t think anyone has ever looked in my diary. Well, at least not for 30 years. (Yes, I’m looking at you big brother!)
But, I’m hoping it can shed some light as to where my mind was right as I was looking into Fear’s face. April 18th, 2015, a little over a month before my last day of work and I moved away from California.
April 18, 2015
I’m seriously freaking out right now… My heart is pounding, my hands are sweating, I feel like I’m about to throw up at any given moment.
The moving company just came to give me an estimate to move my things. I think it must have been the first time the guy heard the response of “I don’t know” when asked where they will be shipping my things. Maybe Las Vegas? Maybe Colorado? Maybe Utah? (Side note: Call Public Storage and see which city their storage is cheaper in.)
How in the hell can I be moving in a month and not even know where? This has to be the craziest idea I’ve ever had. I’m going to be job-less, homeless, perhaps hopeless?
How do I say good-bye to my job and co-workers that I have known and loved so fiercely for the last 6 years? I built this place. From the ground up, I’ve been here every step of the way, and now I’m just walking away. Why? What is it I feel pulling me away from a situation that I’m blessed to have? It feels like I am abandoning a child that I helped raise.
What if? It’s interesting how two words can have such an impact on my psyche when put together. What if I never find a job like this again? What if I can’t find a place to live? What if I regret this decision down the road when it’s too late to turn around? What if I run out of money?
But, there’s the other side as well.
What if… this ends up being the best decision I have ever made? What if I make this leap, only to find that there is vast greatness on the other side? What if this makes me into the person I am meant to be? What if that “pull” that I’m feeling is my destiny trying to pull me onto the path where I will make the most impact in the world? What if my only regret is that I didn’t make this opportunity happen years ago?
I’m scared. I’m scared out of my mind. But, I guess now, I’ll hold on to the idea that everything is going to be amazing, and the Universe is always rigged in my favor.
I’m going to trust that this fire inside of me will light the path when things seem dark. I’m going to trust that all I have to do is take a step and the next step will be shown in front of me. I’m going to trust… and, not let Fear take over my life.
But, my God… I’m fucking scared… I think I’m going to go throw up now.
It’s interesting to see where my mind was back then. I had many sleepless nights. Fear was a constant companion, always making me believe that my life (which was still on shaky grounds) was about to fall apart.
But, here I am… My life didn’t fall apart. In fact, it finally started to fall back together. My life now is even more fulfilling and amazing than I ever imagined, and I feel complete. Every day I wake up with gratitude that I’m in this situation.
And, I thank myself. For being scared out of my freakin’ mind, but not letting that stop me.
Now, it’s your turn! I’d LOVE to hear of a time when you were beyond scared to do something, but did it anyway. Leave a comment in the section below, or private message me here.
Looking forward to hearing from you.
Until next time, keep being amazing.